I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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