you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
