A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
