i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
