my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
