i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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