I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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