You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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