Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed