GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence