Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
