Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
you had me at cake vodka
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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