My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
