I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
