Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
