I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
