WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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