Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
