I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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