I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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