well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
