I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
