My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
