Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
So squirting runs in the family.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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