ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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