Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I am spending my child support on dildos
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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