You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
