I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
