haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
