I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
