I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm like, not good at living.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
