its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
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There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
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I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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