why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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