Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
