how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
