New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
