that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
