i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
