i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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