News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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