You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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