You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
