is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
home. puking in laundry basket.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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