My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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