Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
