I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
