John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
