After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize