How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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