I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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