you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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