I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
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