if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
