ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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