I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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