Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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